Hey We Should Feed Some Scp 420 J
By definition, Joke SCPs
are written as jokes, so it's not surprising that so many of them are hilarious.
, aside from the Ren and Stimpy reference, also features the President setting up the SCP Foundation to contain a Big Red Button that will destroy all creation if pressed, with the implication that he also asked for the Foundation to be set up to "protect humanity from monsters and stuff". That's right, all the terrifying, reality-warping, mind-fucking monsters and objects the SCP Foundation contains is mostly due to the President wanting a Foundation to keep him from pushing a red button., the first anomalous object contained by the SCP's neolithic predecessor, Catch Keep Guard, is fire. It was relegated to the Understood (AKA -EX) category when someone learned how to make it by rubbing two sticks together - look at the last log. Before that, the CKG Gathering genuinely had fire classified as a potentially world-ending (forest fires, anyone?) and mysterious, but incredibly useful anomaly. Because, think of it - how many current SCP articles will probably end up with the same fate once humanity progresses enough?- The CKG performed numerous experiments with 001-EX-J, up to and including poking it with a spear. When the spear predictably caught on fire, they urinated on it to put the flame out. This includes urinating pre-emptively on the spear to fetch meat from the fire (producing meat that is delicious, but 'smell like piss.') A hunter-gatherer is promoted to Witch Doctor by dousing the spear in water before using it to take the meat out of the fire, producing meat that is delicious and most assuredly does not smell like urine, mystifying his peers.
- Special mention goes to the last test listed:
TRY: IIIII II
WHO TRIED: Witch Doctor U██
THING TRIED: Throw hemp in Thing-I
WHAT HAPPENED: [DATA CHISELED OUT]
. It's mostly how the alert system would inform the Foundation if this Beast of the Apocalypse is attacking, and it's an escalation of absurdity and laughter.- One of those is a researcher's metal version of "It's Not Unusual".
Note: The world is dying, Naismith. This doesn't matter anymore. - O5-12
Note: So you're telling me that the end of the world - arguably the most metal thing to happen in Earth's history - is a bad time for metal? - Dr. Naismith
Note: …you're not even wrong, and I hate that. - O5-12
- The Beta alerts are an old woman crying, with added sound effects for increased damage... except if it's played backwards, where it just means the lady is still sad and could use a hug.
- If the end of civilization ensues, the response is to play Toby Keith. "Was it worth it?" And there's a hidden - as in written in white text - response by the SCP afterwards!
- The answer to 'Does the black moon howl?' 'Actually, it's more of a low-pitched, wheezing kind of short mumble, like, do tapirs make any noises? - It's a tapir sneeze.'
- Followed by a message from The Administrator admitting that he's fully aware that the alerts will raise stress instead of relieve it, the entire procedure was devised in hopes that it would make everyone as miserable as possible, possibly even driving them to kill each other, and that he really doesn't like any of them, and is honestly upset that the Beast of the Apocalypse is dealing with them before he could. It ends with the implication that the Administrator is actually SCP-TTKU-J - A Thing That Kills You.
- Followed by a message from The Administrator admitting that he's fully aware that the alerts will raise stress instead of relieve it, the entire procedure was devised in hopes that it would make everyone as miserable as possible, possibly even driving them to kill each other, and that he really doesn't like any of them, and is honestly upset that the Beast of the Apocalypse is dealing with them before he could. It ends with the implication that the Administrator is actually SCP-TTKU-J - A Thing That Kills You
is, literally, a steaming pile of horseshit. Out of this pile come various SCPs, most of which have been decommissioned., the Sun Launcher, is one of the funniest things in the entire archive. Basically, in the past, the Foundation got rid of anomalies by launching them into the sun... no matter how illogical or impractical it may be.- Of course, that's the old Sun Launcher. The Foundation has already built a new one. Of course the other departments, including Team 10 Gazillion Nuclear Detonations All Used At Once, got jealous. The Sun Launcher team decides to add nuclear missiles to the set up, complete with self-destruct buttons easily accessible by on board faculty to activate at their leasure. Also an entire army of D-class. Heavily armed D-class.
- At least one group of interest wanted said D-class army to be blind. The Sun Launcher team assures them that the vacuum of space will take care of that for them.
, a wheelchair that turns the setting into X-Men, basically.- Effects the chair has on Able - when he sits on it, it turns him into Xavier, but when somebody else sits on it, Able turns into Wolverine and gets into a fight with whoever turned into Cyclops over the person who was turned into Jean.
Mediating researcher: I don't want to interrupt, but Able, aren't you incapable of feeling love?
Able: No… I just have a dark past.
Researcher: Huh?
Able: I'm generally good at heart. I've had a tough life, though.
Researcher: I've seen you stab a kid in the face! - And as for its effect on 231:
Girl: What's her power, mister?
231: Well, I can [DATA EXPUNGED] [DATA EXPUNGED] [DATA EXPUNGED]
Scientist 2: (mouth wide open, shocked expression on his face)
231: I also like shopping.
. Or, in the words of the comment page, "You turned the Foundation... into an H-game." is a bar that frequently attracts an assortment of bizarre and unpredictable patrons. More specifically, it's the bar that every "X walks into a bar" joke takes place at. Such jokes are catalogued in the article as incident reports, with additional punny commentary by Foundation Staff.. Hey, wait a minute. This seems a little... familiar. - aka "Dr. Gerald's Driving Skills." Best summed up by the captions: Dr. Gerald was told to take an ordinary school bus full of D-class to a nearby site. note (pictured: a burning schoolbus jumping over an indeterminate number of motorcycles)
How the hell did he manage that with an electrically-powered Segway?
The results of Dr. Gerald driving through the town of [REDACTED] on a moped.
A research team hypothesized that rollerblades are, technically, vehicles. We tested their hypothesis by having Gerald skate into the IRG's headquarters in Tehran. They were right.
We have this tract of land over in ████████, ███████, just in case we have some sort of vehicular SCP that needs to be decommissioned. Coincidentally, it's also the only place that Dr. Gerald is able to drive without permission. note (pictured: road signs reading "Absolutely Nothing" "Next 22 miles")
. It's a .50 Desert Eagle that fires SCP-50-AE-1: an actual giant Bald Eagle that rabidly attacks anything perceived to be anti-American while yelling lines appropriate to Liberty Prime. Special Containment Procedures: SCP-50-AE-J is to be kept in a steel box locked with a padlock and wrapped in an American flag. The box containing SCP-50-AE-J is to be kept away from the following: Russian literature, radios, the Pope, first generation Russian immigrants, and pictures of Ronald Reagan. In case of [REDACTED] security staff are to begin humming the Star Spangled Banner while weeping a single tear.
Investigations into the further properties of SCP-50-AE-1 have been stymied by the fact that SCP-50-AE-1 continues to attack Foundation scientists, calling them "PINKO FUCKS".
SCP-50-AE-1 appears to be able to distinguish genetic and racial information in its targets. SCP-50-AE-1 also appears to have a profound dislike of Germans. D-1409 is to be incinerated entirely, after his testicles are recovered from SCP-50-AE-1.
is hilarious, it's no wonder it's one of the highest rated joke SCPs on the site. What happens when a paranoid, borderline-sociopathic Foundation that contains dangerous anomalies gets their hands on perfectly ordinary objects that they think might be anomalous? Hilarity, of course. The entrance to these vaults is to be guarded at all times by at least two hundred guards from special forces backgrounds, seventeen class-D personnel blinded and given flamethrowers, three priests, two rabbis, an imam, a Sherpa, and a Girl Scout of Abrahamic faith.
SCP-5308-J-5: A three-year-old male Caucasian child who answers to the name of "Jerry." It was found at a playground near Site-██, playing on a swingset. So far, it has been concluded that SCP-5308-J-5 is not bulletproof, fireproof, regenerative, stronger than average, or capable of commanding dangerous animals.
. It's marijuana sent through SCP-914, and it's some good shit.- The test log has some gems, such as the basketball game Gone Horribly Wrong SCP-1733 turning into a Grateful Dead concert and the stoneheads responsible for testing repeatedly trying to get laid by giving it to feminine SCPs. Other highlights include:
- Dr. Clef confiscating the 420-J samples ostensibly for disciplinary reasons, followed by an addendum from cafeteria staff freaked out by Dr. Clef smiling and asking them for "stir-fried noodles, pizza, corn chips, and dark chocolate."
- Giving a sample to Bobble the Clown, who broadcasts an episode titled "Bobble Gets Baked" where he teaches how to roll a doobie, how to improvise a bong, and how to take over the black market drug trade.
- One researcher offered a joint of 420-J to SCP-1981, but in true Ronald Reagan fashion, he just said no.
- Finally, one researcher decided to light up in SCP-087 note The stairwell with the creepy ghost face and accidentally leaves the joint behind when he flees. The image has to be seen to be believed.
- Possibly the best part? After they smoked the original batch that went through 914, they planted the remaining seeds in SCP-124, the dirt patch that grows anything planted in it into its best possible state... which was originally used for marijuana production before the Foundation acquired it. No, that's not a joke; a canon SCP was originally used to grow weed before the Foundation contained it for research.
is a sports mascot. Not an animal that looks like a sports mascot, or a costume that turns people into a creature that looks like a mascot, but an actual man in a costume. Even better, sports fans will note that the image used is The Philadelphia Phanatic, one of the weirdest looking mascots in all of sports., aka "that bitch," aka O5-8's shrew of a wife., aka "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?" Hey, even the Foundation can be scared by creepy insects.Object Class: KETER OH GOD KILL IT
- Dr. ████████ tries to reassure everyone that the bugs are nothing to be afraid of. Apparently, not being scared of bugs is enough for a promotion to Site Director.
, a glass-like organism with a fluid-filled body, stubby limbs, and a torus-shaped structure in the back, which knocks down walls with a single, distinctive vocalization. Hmm... now why does this sound familiar? The punchline In other words, it's the Kool-Aid Man. , the Cooperative Demon who keeps unintentionally telling the Foundation how to better contain him. SCP-4357-J: And THAT is how you make a proper summoning circle. All the runes in place, everything nice and neat. NOW, if I step in it like this, it'll be hard for me to get out!
SCP-4357-J tries to step out of the circle and bumps against an unseen barrier.
SCP-4357-J: Oh, FUCK ME!
- Later:
SCP-4357-J: Shit! That hurts, motherfuckers! Doesn't matter much, though; I'll just jump out again. It's not like you can put up a cage that'll hold me, either. I can bust through anything other than wrought-iron that has the words of Solomon on it, and where the unholy fuck are you going to find THAT nowadays, huh?
07/14/19██
Foundation metalworkers install a wrought-iron cage under the supervision and blessing of Rabbi ███████
SCP-4357-J: Shit. - And in the end, one Agent has a simple question:
Agent ██: Hello, SCP-4357. I have a question for you today.
SCP-4357-J: Fuck off, asshole. I ain't saying nothing to you shitheads any more. You keep locking me down tighter.
SCP-4357-J: I- I didn't- I thought tha- Oh, GOD DAMN IT!
. It's a rock that makes you procrastinate. It's the third-highest rated page on the site.. note Some of these examples have since been deleted. 2) Telling new researchers that you can tame SCP-682 with a rolled up newspaper and a tummy rub is right out.
13) There is no market for SCP brand pornography.
13.5) No, not even in Germany.
13.75) It probably would generate a great deal of revenue if sold in Japan but still, 682 on (blackboxed), Jesus Christ man. note It used to say "682 on Iris", but was changed
27) Not allowed to send Nigerian-esque spam email to the Church of the Broken God.
31) SCP-963 is not a joy buzzer.
45) [REDACTED], [REDACTED] hard.
52) "Accidentally" spilling green gelatin on a dead body in the presence of the O5 was funny exactly once, and the smell of excrement exuding from O5-2's khakis spoiled the moment.
58) Dr. Bright is not allowed to declare war on any country, thing or person.
59) A stripper a day keeps the doctor away. Dr. Bright is not allowed to contribute to this list. Besides, ██% of Foundation staff have their Ph.D. It'd take more than one stripper to keep them away.
59.5) Strike that last sentence. Dr. Bright, I don't know where you found a 300-pound midget stripper with three teeth and severely disfiguring [DATA EXPUNGED], but please put it back.
66) Showing Monty Python episodes to SCP-239 was not a wise decision. Please never try this with any other reality warping SCP.
71.2) Dr. Bright is not allowed to administer 'Free Hugs', nor an act called 'Surprise █████████'. note Plus, if one checks how many characters are in the black-out word, it could spell out "buttsecks".
79) Attempts to use Foundation radio telescopes to contact omniscient and omnipotent extraterrestrial entities will result in a bill for any damage to local space-time, including the cost of demoting objects to dwarf planet status.
81) "For the Emperor" is not an acceptable justification for any decision.
84) Not allowed to lace 'orgasm muffins' with Ex-lax. Again.
90) Not allowed to kick SCP-2558-J.
90.5) Not allowed to play dodgeball with SCP-2558-J.
92) Foundation resources may not be used to run Crysis. Build your own computer Bright!
96) Just because Bright is a doctor does not mean that he is the Doctor, no matter how many British men he possesses.
96.1) No, SCP-963 is not proof against this.
96.2) Nor is any structure that results from placing SCP-184 inside of a police call box.
96.3) Tying up female members of the staff and calling them "companions" is right out.
101) Dr. Bright is not allowed to plant SCP-2383-J into science labs. We're still picking up complaints from the office of Stephen Hawking.
101.1) No, not even for the good of "SCIENCE"
101.2) Or even as "Science for the Science God". Dr. Bright is also not allowed to refer to himself as such either.
104) Yes, empirical evidence is the foundation of science. Yes, blind faith is the death of reason. No, this does not logically imply that Dr. Rights is ethically obligated to demonstrate the existence of her breasts under laboratory conditions.
109) Dr. Bright cannot change the standard issue D-Class uniform to black pants with a red polo shirt.
118) No matter how many times he photoshops himself into a picture of SCP-682, and no matter how many Australians he possesses, Bright is not, and never was, the "Crocodile Hunter".
118.3) Nor does every SCP/D-Class "really hate it when you jam your thumb up their bum".
118.3.1) And he is not allowed to do that "Right naow!"
118.5) Claiming to survive the detonation of an SCP-2558-J-Ex does not make him a lion tamer, either.
127) Dr. Bright is not allowed to use SCP-587 to re-enact the locker scene from Men in Black, nor play Godzilla with its inhabitants.
138) Dr. Bright may not put "A cup of orgasm" from SCP-294 through SCP-914 on the Very Fine setting.
138.1) Dr. Bright may not use SCP-294 to create a "cup of memetic orgasm" and use it on worldwide television.
138.5) Dr. Bright is not permitted to use SCP-294 to create orgasms of any kind, memetic, sentient or otherwise.
138.6) Given the results of requesting a cup of "Dear God No", Dr.Bright is no longer allowed to use SCP-294 directly or outside of approved testing.
138.6.5) Given that he asked another staff member to request a "Cup of Explodium" from SCP-294 to "see what would happen", Dr Bright is not allowed to ask other staff members to access SCPs for him, no matter how instructive, funny or helpful the results would be. The only exception to this is SCP-963.
173) Excessive force is not the same as the Force, therefore using it does not make Dr. Bright a Jedi.
192) Dr. Bright may not attempt to neutralize SCP-682 using "The Power of Friendship", "The Power of Love", or any other sort of "Power" which has not been proven to actually exist.
196) SCP-963 is not a 'soul gem', and despite what he might say, making a contract with Dr. Bright will not turn you into a 'Magical Girl'.
196.1) Not even if he includes a 'magical girl outfit'.
203) The Serpent's Hand is not a synonym for masturbation.
208) Playing the song "Thriller" in the presence of SCP-008 victims is expressly forbidden.
208.1) Letting out SCP-008 victims and punching them "to simulate Minecraft" is also forbidden.
208.2) Pushing several agents in front of SCP-008 victims "to simulate Resident Evil" is not a valid excuse, either.
208.3) Dr. Bright is no longer allowed near victims of SCP-008.
218) Dr. Bright is not to use this list as a resume.
222) Dr. Bright is not allowed to make freeware games based on contained objects and release them onto the internet.
226.2) Dr. Bright is politely asked to stop referring to staff/19 incident BA114 as "Miracle Day", "The Day I Died and Went to Heaven", "A Thing of Beauty and Grace" or "Every Day in a Perfect World"
236). Dr. Bright is not Kenny. We also ask new researchers (and Bright) to stop referring to him/self as such.
- Also in there are Dr. Bright's 'wrong' mottos for SCP Foundation which gives such gems as "Stab Carrion Powerfully," "Let's use it on 682!" "Can we put it through 914?", "Throw D-Class at it until it stops." and "That's it, you're on Keter." Not all of them are completely opposed, however...
-
71.9) "Someone is getting stabbed."
71.9.1) But some days, it should be.
-
- Remember the "682 on Iris" bit mentioned? Someone actually wrote it. Yes, really. NSFW, obviously.
CHOWDER FOR THE CHOWDERCLEF! POTATOES FOR THE SPUD THRONE!. note My god. The funniest part of that was that it is mentioned at the bottom that this is the most accurate account of Incident [BLANK]. Makes you wonder what other accounts looked like...... something else."You will punch sharks. When not punching sharks, you will be planning on punching sharks. You will be developing new ways to punch sharks. You will read about punching sharks. You will write about punching sharks. You will study punching sharks. You will dream about punching sharks. You will jump the shark. You will collect and contain paranormal objects, and then use them to beat up sharks. ... Now get out of here. Those sharks aren't going to punch themselves. Because they don't have hands."
- If you just read the previous two entries here, you would probably like to know that someone wants to do a Sharks vs. Bees crossover.
- One more, How the SPC Ruined Halloween.
Under no circumstances should this shark be kicked, as it may kick back.
- They also have a mini-wiki.
is pretty entertaining, but the real hilarity comes in the discussion page. After some conversing, Clef (the real guy, not the Foundation character) challenges another user to write a story titled "Poopstick McGee and the Flying Walruses". The user aptly replies: definitely counts. It's essentially an episode of Scooby-Doo described like any other SCPRooby rooby [REDACTED] - Agent Mu 4-5
is an Eldritch Abomination who thinks it's a Magical Girl as a result of watching too many magical girl anime. Its Transformation Sequence killed several people from the sight of it, blinded 38 people, caused the Sailor Scouts to shriek 'KAWAII' before exploding into rainbow dust, and left a doctor in a coma. It also wants to fight crime, and does so by "punishing" D-Class. Don't ask.. This SCP's effect is to force people to make "experiments" and create crazy items that vary in nature depending on what color the liquid contained in the SCP is. One of the results is a crossbow that gives random effects to the bolts it shoots. At one point, the researcher testing it unwittingly does a Final Fantasy-style Limit Break, complete with the number 9999 appearing on the target at the end of the attack, the target disappearing and money appearing on the ground after its "defeat". is an SCP-Foundation Mad Libs. A few examples from the discussion page just to give you an idea of the... interesting items this can generate: "Mine was an Apollyon class soft dog that ate pork, as well as Hitler's other testicle."
"I strongly urge everybody who does this to employ profanity in unusual places. 'Doctor Fuck' has the most delightful ring to it."
"'SCP-3-J's unusual properties manifest whenever it comes in contact with trees, which causes it to turn into Tim Buckley.' Upgrade to Keter requested."
"Nobody can explain why the odd badger reminds them of George Washington. It just does. Even the lawyers who guard it while armed with cotton balls say so."
"It gave me a hot cat that has the ability to electric boogaloo. That makes me so happy."
a random SCP generator table., i.e. the sun itself. This has resulted in numerous attempts to extinguish the sun., which might seem like an ordinary SCP... until you realize the 'experiment logs' are describing the Apollo moon landings., also known as that one text font, Comic Sans., the funny version of the SCP-682 document. , "The butt ghost". Written by an 11-year-old boy, of course.. Basically, it's an SCP article as written by a very excited dog, regarding a tennis ball.what's that motherfuckin' mailman doing here... yeah, you better go away. motherfucker.
. That's right, instead of a serial number, it has the word "Spooky". As you may be able to guess, it's a walking, talking skeleton that can teleport, and speaks as if he has access to Reddit, considering his use of the word "fuckboy" and tendency to threaten SCP researchers with "noscoping". The addendum added to this page is also hilarious:Dr. Filler reported SCP-SPOOKY-J having been in his closet for several hours quietly singing the song Hound Dog, by Elvis Presley, replacing the phrase "Hound Dog" with "Fuckboy".
is a crab-stuffed mushroom entrée. An apocalyptically bad crab-stuffed mushroom entrée that gives whoever eats it the worst case of diarrhea they've ever experienced, described in graphic detail as burning out their bowels before making them pass out from the sheer pain. It has the dubious honor of being the only thing that could make SCP-682 commit suicide. Note that the Foundation's Ethics Committee considered using it on the damn lizard to be too cruel despite not raising a peep about literally any of the other methods already attempted. SCP-682: Yog Sothoth take me now!
Dr. Clef: Jesus wept. note Keep in mind, Clef could very well be Satan himself.
- The extremely descriptive and elaborate yet unprofessional prose is hilarious in of itself, like "the gates of Hell open up within the subject's intestines as Satan himself violates the subject's anal canal with a pickaxe", "unholy murderflame rages throughout in a demonic vortex at a temperature of roughly HOLY-CRAP-ON-A-CUPCAKE degrees Kelvin", and "roastawful terrorslush that is probably corrosive and almost definitely radioactive".
, aka "The Chibinator", is a device that makes miniature flanderized versions of SCPs and staff members, which are completely Ax-Crazy and usually attempt to kill whoever they see. The entire experiment log is hilarious, but the very last line takes it all:Accidentally blinked. Mini-173 tried to strangle my penis. I quit.
has a masterful use of Leaning on the Fourth Wall, with Foundation scientists critiquing an artifact as if they're posting on the actual website... much to their colleague's annoyance and confusion. Scientist 3: "Yeah. Downvote for pointless dark matter."
Scientist 1: "It [dark matter] HAS been proven to exist! WE just proved it exists! You're scientists! Why aren't you shitting your pants with excitement?!"
Scientist 2: "That's another thing. Your tone. It's really off. I don't believe a scientist would really say that in an official interview. I'm afraid it's downvote for me."
Scientist 1: "WHAT THE FUCK IS A DOWNVOTE?!!!"
, a fat man who teleports wearing nothing but a speedo that he can seemingly pull anything out of. To give a taste, this is the entire Containment Procedure:SCP-999-J is currently uncontainable, but if anyone figures out how to contain the bastard they better fucking tell O5-█ right now. Seriously people ASAP.
◊ . Try to figure out where it's going before opening that last interview log., who causes all who see it to become smitten with it, both romantically and sexually, with notes from several researchers proclaiming how attractive it is. It's also a doorknob.Researcher Axwell: I invited him out for drinks last week. Kind of gave me the cold shoulder, but he's pretty far out of my league anyway. Pretty dreamy though, don't you think?
Dr. Lee: I've been working on my pickup lines, here, listen! "Hey baby, why don't you and me go turn in for the night?" Get it? Turn in? Because… turning? Guys?
Researcher Chambers: Man, I would fuck the shit out of that doorknob.
Dr. Hughes: Oh yeah, I'd really ███████████ ████ ███████ █████████ and then take one of those █████ ███████ ███ █████ from the pyrotechnics lab and just ██████ ███████ ███ ██████ ███ ██████ then let him ██████████████████████████ ██████████████████████████ ████████████.
Note: Data expunged, holy shit. What the fuck is wrong with you people? -Dr. Clef
- SCP-7143-J has since been rewritten into just an ordinary doorknob that the Foundation runs tests on and tries to contain for some reason, turning it into a work of So Unfunny, It's Funny. The real kicker is that the comment by Researcher Chambers about fucking the doorknob was left completely untouched.
-THE SCREAMING MAN!: Object Class Enochian, Foundation Dreadlords required for containment, and cavernous nostrils.-Procedure 110-Overkill: The containment procedures require three separate hermetically sealed sarcophagi, a constant live feed of personal verbal attacks, a 100km radius exclusion zone, the ground bones of saints, a deaf ogre, 50 copies each of various religious scriptures (as well as The God Delusion), launching intruders into the Sun, flipping off the Sun, and supermassive black hole generators. Of course, the black hole generations will cause an XK-class end-of-the-world scenario, but the alternative is a █K-class "Dance of a Thousand [DATA EXPUNGED]" scenario. Oh, and SCP-100000-J was able to kill the mother of its site's director just by insulting her., a reality-bending entity that is summoned with Canis Latinicus and won't grant your wishes the way you'd expect. And, of course, what happens when the Foundation tries to kill SCP-682 with it:SCP-682 unharmed; text generated in clouds over Site-58: "FUCKUS THATUS SHITUM"
- Special mention *really* needs to be given to the attempt to "Cure all forms of cancer" with it.
The Alaskan king crab goes extinct.
, The Foundation's terrible credit rating, and the reveal that SCP-231 is actually a debt collector for a debt caused by a doctor being loaned $2 for a soda. Said debt steadily increases from 2 dollars, to $493,026.34, to $50,936,299,102.49, 500 human souls, two truckloads of diamonds, the blood of a virgin, and "a goddamn pony". The last time the Foundation is informed about it, the debt has increased to "[DATA EXPUNGED].53 dollars, 700 trillion human souls condemned eternally to the sadistic pleasure-pits of [DATA EXPUNGED], ownership of 53 individual timelines of the Multiverse, and one 'goddamn pony'." Talk about an interest rate. There's also the reveal of expunged content in 231, such as 110-Montauk being just throwing money in a passive-aggressive way. More specifically, 231-J relates to the debt itself, and is classed as Keter, much like the real 231. The Foundation's credit rating is a secondary SCP further down. What's its classification? Apollyon. Special Containment Procedures: "God help us all."
makes a complete mockery of the world-ending beast concealed in SCP-2317, mostly by making it clear the gigantic demon can be held off by a simple human-sized wooden door. The audio version arguably makes it even better.- There's also this footnote:
The O5 Council has decided that Apollyon is dumb, because it goes against the very ideology of the Foundation, is only used to make SCPs seem scarier and is generally appalling. - O5-13
explains why God allows so many bad things to exist in the world, what is wrong with humanity and probably why He has long since forsaken us.Special Containment Procedures: As attempts to manually alter the text of SCP-404-J have proved futile, twice-hourly tactical nuclear strikes are to continue on SCP-404-J until it has been successfully neutralized. As such, Foundation personnel, combat task forces, and civilians may only come within 100 km of SCP-404-J after signing a mortality waiver.
(...)
by !Jehovah
[ Rating: -5922 | + | - ]
- The in-universe comments resemble a threatened SCP page, with the users being disguised versions of the site's Eldritch Abominations.
. The Foundation ended up locking up a Disney Princess. is a postcard with (poorly-written) anti-human graffiti on it that makes anyone who reads it a Misanthrope Supreme for 12 hours. However, addendums on the page reveal an increasingly exasperated O5, assuring us that yes, this really is just a slightly anomalous postcard and not secretly a Keter-class that will bring about The End of the World as We Know It.Does the Black Moon Howl? YES IT DOES. AND IT'S HOWLING FOR YOU TO FUCKING CHILL ABOUT THIS STUPID POSTCARD.
O5-4: I'm pretty sure a tablespoon of non-anomalous couch lint is deadlier than this fucking postcard. You could at least choke on the former in its present form, and you'd have to really work at the latter to get it in a choke-on-able state.
We have literally thousands of bigger things to worry about. Y'all are stupid.
™, Kellogg's® new Foundation Flakes™! A breakfast of champions!, Geoff. Geoff is just a run-of-the-mill electrician and Nice Guy who somehow manages to inadvertently gain access to highly restricted SCP facilities, and always runs into Commander Price while doing so. He survived a hostage situation and two containment breaches, one of which was in a deep-sea fissure 3000 meters under the Atlantic Ocean! He also inadvertently avoids detainment, and is Commander Price's Berserk Button for this article., "A Memetic Metal". The article is about titanium, and how it either a) tricks people into thinking it's the strongest metal on Earth (it's NOT), or b) causes those who know it's not to be filled with rage towards those in group a. The researcher writing the article is in group b, slipping bits of Angrish ranting into the article before biting his pencil in half, ripping the keyboard from the computer, and beating the closest security guard with it, screaming swears and threats of violence. can be best summed up by the resignation letter of the Foundation agent assigned to it:I am not studying Jesus' fucking voltron angel car anymore.
is the greatest parody of a shitty car dealership ad you'll find that isn't Big Bill Hell's, and even if you don't, it's still great. note Unfortunately now deleted along with all of the other work from the author, though you can still see it via wayback machine. Or listen to an audio recording here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WiAhUvNuyIw , a.k.a. "Devil of the Abyss, the Black-Winged Fallen Angel Eisbein". Or rather, this is the title of the fallen angel that the 14-year-old girl in question claims to be inhabited by. Highlights include:- During the interview with Agent Kanahebi, he points out that Eisbein is a German pork dish. SCP-014-JP-J's response is to stay silent for three minutes, then claim "'That is not my name... my name is Azanael'... is what the fallen angel said!"
- Her reaction when she discovered the files on SCP-073 and SCP-076: "Isn't this a ripoff of F██e?"
- In the present day SCP-014-JP-J is now an agent for the Foundation. The article asks other personnel not to mention it to her lest it affect her ability to perform her duties. Also, the contents of her "grimoire with dangerous power" were removed from the article at her request.
is three safes: Dr. Safe's Safe safe, Dr. Euclid's Euclid safe, Drs. Safe, Euclid, and Keter's Keter safe, and the safe Thaumiel thawed meals caused by the safe (but not Safe) macro-scale microwave emissions into Euclidean space by the Drs. Safe, Euclid, and Keter's unsafe Keter safe. note Try saying that five times fast is either one of the funniest SCPs ever or one of the most horrifying. It was written by feeding every SCP ever into a predictive text app. The result is just barely coherent nonsense that will either make you laugh or creep you out, although you'd probably laugh away the creep factor reading the sillier parts of the article.Removing their dead bodies started feeling kind of formal, and the smell was later described as "crispy sex pirates".
All I could think was, "this asshole killed my fucking sass threshold."
, a talking road sign that claims to be a ghost. is a parody of the unnamed SCP that would probably be 4000 if it had a number note In a nutshell, it's an Eldritch Location where giving anything a name (which includes using the same description more than once) means Bad Things., with Dr. Mack finding himself faced with ever more restrictive Eshu Protocol updates preventing him from writing anything useful about the anomaly, until he finally snaps:-
Dr. Mack: When the thing that is being described in this file
Eshu Protocol Update: In many cultures, the color red can be considered a sign of aggression and is therefore forbidden for use in any relevant data files.
Dr. Mack: When the thing
Eshu Protocol Update: In many cultures, color can be considered a sign of aggression and is therefore forbidden for use in any relevant data files. note same notice as above but "the" and "red" have been struck out - "Wet-" "Descriptors are right out."
-
Description: I'm going to go snort a fat line of cocaine off Dr. West's ass and hope that when I get back I have the motivation and dexterity to suck my own dick, for that will be the last satisfaction I ever achieve in this short, horrible life.
Eshu Protocol Update: File revisions approved!
, THE CUTTLEFISH OF ULTIMATE WISDOM!, a giant, glowing, sentient cuttlefish that claims to see the future and demands that the personnel assigned to it perform ridiculous actions in order to prevent the horrible (and equally bizarre) future events from happening. The O5 demand that agents and researchers comply with the cuttlefish's demands, and the cuttlefish ALWAYS turns out to be right. It also never gets people's names right and doesn't seem to recognize the genders of who it's talking to:Cuttlefish: AGENT JENNIFER WALKER!
Agent Williams: I'm clearly a man...
(a parody of SCP-3999) is an unknowable, powerful entity that can end the world whenever it pleases and requires strict and specific containment procedures to keep it from causing the apocalypse. Researcher James Talloran, one of the few people immune to SCP-3999-J's anti-memetic effects, selflessly assigned himself to prevent the SCP from causing The End of the World as We Know It. Except not really. Talloran just wanted a cheeseburger and fries and made up an SCP that only he can see in order to get his order, which escalated to him making shit up to get the entire Foundation to basically give him whatever the hell he wants. Then there's the final update, where one of "SCP-3999-J's effects" is to make people hallucinate Talloran outside of the site. Like, people "hallucinate" him going to the casino, or a mass "hallucination" that he got into a drunk car accident, complete with his text apparently not being real.: A direct parody of SCP 049. While 049 is an articulate, sophisticated and extremely dangerous Mad Scientist, 049-J is still dangerous, but is also a complete moron.Dr. Baker: That is a shoe.
SCP-049-J: Yes.
Dr. Baker: That will heal this person?
SCP-049-J: It is the cure.
Dr. Baker: Alright, go ahead.
SCP-049-J proceeds to gesture dramatically over the patient before violently beating the patient's throat with a shoe.
- The discussion page for SCP-049-J has two users debating which of the Chinese characters "二" or "两" would be more appropriate in the term for "two guards" in its containment procedures. A third user chipped in with the following comment, which djkaktus found so funny that he added it to the article as a footnote:
Incident Report
While the two guards discussed with each other which character might be more appropriate for use in the documentation, SCP-049-J hastily climbed out a window and descended a fire escape.
is what happens when when you drop Elliot and friends or the gang from Stranger Things into the world of the SCP Foundation. Their ability to constantly outwit the Foundation and protect the Eldritch Abomination who they've befriended which eventually destroys the world, mainly by forcing the Foundation's agents to conform to the tropes of the Idiot Ball-carrying Government Conspiracies from any number of '80s "kids' adventure" films, gets them labeled an SCP in their own right. Also, note the hidden link in the intro., the tautological article describing an SCP item that is anomalous in a way that falls outside the understanding of science. The last two addendums really make the article: ██. ███████: Hi.
SCP-1234-J: [DATA EXPUNGED] note the actual audio of this "interview" has SCP-1234-J literally saying "OPEN BRACKET. DATA EXPUNGED. CLOSED BRACKET." in a hilariously dramatic tone
██. ███████: OK.
Recommendation that SCP-1234-J be upgraded to Keter. - ██. ███████
No. O5-█
, the designation for an unknown anomaly locked up "tighter than Clef's butthole" in some sort of box that keeps producing various locking mechanisms that the Foundation has to undo to get at whatever's inside (completely ignoring that, y'know, the box itself is obviously an anomaly). The test logs for the thing (which even have an extended version!) naturally have a few gems: Type: Secret handshake developed by the Administrator
Info: Slot in side of box extends several humanoid hands
Notes: Humans do not possess enough hands to complete handshake
Type: Sudoku
Info: Prints and receives from same slot and must be completed within ten minutes. Considered "fucking difficult"
Notes: Complete
Type: Cylindrical hole roughly 3.5 cm in diameter
Info: Dr. ████████████ [DATA EXPUNGED] hole
Notes: ...Completed
is a squirrel that makes you unnecessarily verbose when nearby, employing lots of redundant descriptions and multiple sets of nested hypotheses, which incidentally also leads to a lot of disgruntled commentary on the Foundation by the writer of the article.Addendum 184-0001: Researchers affected by SCP-184 are not to attend to documentation of any kind until all symptoms of exposure are completely absent. Holy fuck.
is the parallax effect, i.e. how pillows appear to move if you lay your head on one, close one eye, and then switch eyes. A George Carlin skit brought it to the Foundation's attention, leading them on a genocidal crusade against pillows in order to contain the SCP... and then, after spending untold amounts of time and resources to destroy every last pillow on earth, a junior researcher points out that the effect still applies to beds, and thus pillows never had anything to do with it., a portal located in Site 27's break room that leads to the Site 27 break room in an alternate universe that is identical, if chiral, to our own. The Foundation made several attempts to enter the portal, always foiled by their counterparts on the other side, before a D-Class finally pointed out that it's just a mirror. (translated version here), A BIG SLAB OF HAM THAT MAKES EVERYONE THAT DESCRIBES IT OR EATS THE STUFF TALK IN THE MOST LOUD, BADASS, AND MANLY WAY POSSIBLLLLLE! Just try reading it in any voice other than "Terry Crews advertising Old Spice"., a Freaky Friday incident which results in the anomalies "containing" the researchers, veers between hilarious and Nightmare Fuel in equal measure. For a start, thirteen copies of Bobble the Clown have become the "Overbobble Council" (and he's utterly baffled by it). The lead staff include 682, 3000, 76-2, dado and Dr. Bright. And then you get to the log where Bobble asks the staff what they've been working on...Director Anderson: I built a new robot.
Overbobble-1: I- what?
Director Anderson: Yeah. New robot.
Overbobble-1: It, uh. I mean, what kind of robot is it?
Overbobble-1: No, I mean, what does it do? We've got a- I mean, (laughs), we're trying to accomplish something here, and I just want to make sure you're using your time most eff-
, AKA Senior Researcher Dr. Margaret "Maggie" Sawyer-Sheen, AKA what happens if you let a Parody Sue take up residence in the facility. Not to mention that the addendums read like a cliche romance story.Addendum 496-3: After a lot of fighting, tears, and a dramatic confession set against a beautiful sunset, Drs. Bright and Clef have agreed that Dr. Sawyer-Sheen is to be Dr. Clef's girlfriend, but Dr. Bright can still hang out with her once a week but only as a friend.
is an infohazard that causes people to become irrationally angry (if the title alone didn't make that obvious), and it's triggered by attempting to post or edit to the SCP Foundation Wiki on mobile. The "containment procedures" and "I'm done." footnote imply that Data Vampires gobbled up the author's edits., the O5 Council attempt to make contrition for an unforgivable sin: stealing a superior authority's lunch from the shared refrigerator in Break Room 12. (Now deleted.) is Junior Researcher Riemann's wireless router/modem, which just won't stop hiccuping on them, to the point they're convinced it hates them., contained by the Foundation because they didn't understand ... that he is a stage magician.: a vacuum cleaner seen from a cat´s point of view., the "Dammerung Resort Spa & Eternal Retirement Home". Following the revelation that human afterlife is (supposedly) just an eternity of the excruciating pain of your body decaying into dust, it's a facility where the deceased can enjoy the rest of eternity in a nice and cozy resort suite. Services include "a dream of deep tissue massages and hot tubs without end" as O5-11 puts it, an automated nodding device, and having your colon cleaned throughly or else the housekeepers go back in the "Punish Box". "JUST CREMATE ME ALREADY YOU SICK FUCKS" - General Janet Spiegel, ☽☽☽ Initiative
"Now, there you go again! Dammerung makes my joyous meat-mouth protrude angry love noises from the hotel room at the back of San Quentin with a bottle of cheap unbaptized children's tears, Mr. Gorbachev." - Anonymous resident, Dammerung Presidential Suite
is a group of amnesiacs employed as amnestics, playing on the fact that early articles erroneously used "amnesiacs" to refer to mind-wiping drugs. How do they work? They bombard the target with a series of stereotypical amnesiac questions like "where am I?" and "who are you?", until the target is an amnesiac themselves. Dr. Marlowe tried to interview one who gained and leaked knowledge of SCPs, which went in circles until... SCP-002-J-41: Great. I've been meaning to catch up on [REDACTED] but for the life of me I just can't remember what episode I'm by. Been distracted by the news, you know. Speaking of which, you hear about that thing down in Samothrace?
Dr. Marlowe: You [EXPLETIVE]—
, also known as Scippy, a Foundation-flavored parody of Microsoft Office's mascot assistants.- Its picture caption has "the little shit" struck out.
- Dr. Henderson ends up getting killed because Scippy keeps interrupting him to give irrelevant advice based on keywords in his speech.
is a parody of SCP-1981, but instead of being an anomalous Ronald Reagan videotape, it's a rap adaptation of SCP-1981's Word-Salad Horror made by the Hanged King (who's apparently a Gamers Against Weed member in this particular article). Instead of killing its listeners through mass hysteria, the rap is So Bad, It's Horrible in-universe that its listeners are Driven to Suicide (with the first documented person uttering "Thanks, I hate it" in their death throes). Oh, and the D-classes who've heard the King's mixtape think it's "fucking corny"., the thing that kills you.- Object Class: Keter, because it can and will kill you
- Just in case the name of the SCP, the Object Class, and the Special Containment Procedures didn't clue you in properly, the description starts off with "SCP-TTKU-J is a thing that kills you."
- Among the many ways it can kill you is "killing you until your life functions cease, then continuing to kill you."
- "In the event of a total containment breach of SCP-TTKU-J, the inevitable result would be a URK-class you-are-about-to-be-killed event, followed by a UHK-class you-have-been-killed scenario. As you are, presumably, a thing that should not be killed, the latter scenario is to be avoided at all costs."
- In an interview, it's revealed that it has an interest in knitting...but only so that it can lure you into a false sense of security then stab you in the eyes with the knitting needles and tear your heart out with its teeth.
- If you view the article while logged in on a Wikidot account, there's an addendum where Dr. Henderson asks SCP-TTKU-J if there's anyone else it could possibly kill instead. TTKU's response is "that (your username) asshole." End interview.
- The complete lack of any information on SCP-TTKU-J's physical characteristics, due to the article being obsessed with the fact that it's a thing that kills you.
is a marmalade jar that can't be opened, no matter how hard anyone tries. After many, many attempts, including wrenches, baseball bats, guns, and extradimensional entities, someone turns the lid the other way... and it opens. Turns out it had a manufacturing defect which made it open in the wrong direction. is SCP-999, but with a few key differences; first, SCP-999 used a site-wide containment breach as an opportunity to walk the Earth, going through self-imposed Training from Hell, and second, SCP-999 is now a bronzed bodybuilder sporting a blue thong and all of its powers have increased in effectiveness as a result. The Tickle Torture it subjects SCP-682 to in the original article now ends with 682 disintegrating into a wave of healing energy instead of simply passing out from laughter, with the Foundation later classifying 999 as a Thaumiel-class anomaly and using it to solve all of its long-standing problems. initially reads like it shouldn't be a joke article, with a title that looks like an Ominous Visual Glitch and a report from the Japanese branch of the Pataphysics Department involving efforts to counteract "meta-creators" by using a device that randomly changes the names of things (and, ideally, obfuscating all existing language). A link at the bottom, supposedly a vulnerability report on said device, causes the page to change wholesale into garbled text (save for a "bastard" that sticks out like a sore thumb) because it detected a meta-creator. What follows is a few lines of Word-Salad Humor affecting the actual vulnerability report, full of Perfectly Cromulent Words. The article becomes a bit funnier when you realize that the Japanese Pataphysics Department is essentially weaponizing mojibake (incorrectly encoded Japanese text) against the fourth wall. is literally a random person's diarrhea written as if it was a legitimate SCP. Oh, and the SCP's name is a Punny Name on the Japanese word for "ass", 尻/ketsu (try saying "K2" five times fast). Special Containment Procedures: A̶f̶f̶e̶c̶t̶e̶d̶ ̶i̶n̶d̶i̶v̶i̶d̶u̶a̶l̶s̶ ̶a̶r̶e̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶h̶o̶l̶d̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶s̶u̶b̶j̶e̶c̶t̶ ̶a̶s̶ ̶h̶a̶r̶d̶ ̶a̶s̶ ̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶c̶a̶n̶,̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶n̶ ̶t̶a̶k̶e̶ ̶a̶n̶t̶i̶d̶i̶a̶r̶r̶h̶e̶a̶l̶s̶ USELESS I can't hold it in anymore! AAAH DON'T COME OUT STOP! STOP! I'M IN A MIDDLE OF A MEETING! STOP! STOP! OH, LORD! AAH IT'S LEAKING LEAKING LEAKING LEAKING LEA-
CONTAINMENT BREACH
INCIDENT OCCURRED
is a non-Euclidean object... because it is an entirely non-anomalous beach ball. This eventually gets on the nerves of the Junior Researcher being made to perform tests on it that basically amount to drawing lines. Jr. Researcher Riemann: Ok I don't know how many times I have to explain this. Just because things are non-Euclidean doesn't mean they're anomalous or spooky! So what if you can't draw parallel lines on it or sum the angles of a triangle to 180! It's a beach ball! There are so many other interesting geometries! Like hyperbolic! Or Seifert Fibers! And look, I've been thinking about one that tracks the inner product on an arbitrary smooth manifold and
Update: Jr. Researcher Riemann's access to SCP-063-J has been revoked, because something is wrong with him. Jr. Researcher Riemann is also no longer allowed to talk about esoteric geometries.
is the Imperial Measurement System. The article is just one very long, thinly veiled Take That! at the system., "The End of Sex 6.9: You Can (Not) Reproduce". When the secondary Object Class is "Chokmah Balls" and the header is a parody of the ADMONITION logo reading "Site-17 Dopewell", you know you're in for a wild ride.- Going through the article, it quickly proves itself to be a spectacular pastiche of the various ADMONITION articles (most especially the original, SCP-6820), complete with the problem having been caused by "Project ANTIFUCK" attempting to neutralize an existing SCP (in this case, 6969). There are also countless other gags which play with the typical structure of the ADMONITION articles, such as a transcript seeming to end with O5-6's dramatic one-liner only to suddenly continue with everyone booing him, or a parody of 682's defacing of the original 6820 article that simply reads "FUNNY RANDOM BOLD TEXT.
- One of the projects proposed after the End-of-Sex Scenario is first declared is to attempt to use 6659 in reverse to insert the concept of sex back into the Noosphere; however, this would require an object with a lot of symbolic connections to sex. Director Aktus suggests that they use Dr. Clef... who it turns out is at the meeting, and is not handling the idea of a world without sex very well.
(A loud groan is heard from the right-side of the table. An emaciated and shriveled man raises his hand weakly. He has three eyes.)
Dr. Clef: (Repeated, indecipherable wheezing, followed by a series of desperate coughs.)
O5-2: Yeesh. This really did a number on him.
Dr. Blake: It's only been a few hours, for fuck's sake.
- Various times, when a particular SCP is brought up, a footnote is included to give a brief summary of the anomaly and its relevance to the ongoing crisis. When SCP-2000 is brought up, however, the attached footnote simply reads "You already know about this one."
- During the final meeting of Project OVERFUCK, Dr. Whitney asks Dr. Ross how many blunts she has, given how fast she's going through them. Dr. Ross responds that the Essophysics Department has the embodiment of weed locked up in the basement and that they milk blunts off of it; upon seeing Dr. Whitney's obvious confusion, she simply asks if Whitney really thought a sober person could come up with the idea of essophysics.
- By the end of the article, the Foundation has become so desperate for a solution to the crisis that they resort to simply shooting the Ethereal Skeleton with an orbital railgun at relativistic speeds. This almost seems to work, with the ability to reproduce being momentarily restored each time... until the third and final attempt, at which point it releases an apocalyptic attack which destroys the world by turning everyone into grape soda while copyrighted music plays. However, the best part is what happens as the attack is unleashed: the Ethereal Skeleton opens its mouth, one of its eyes glows blue, and it declares, in giant red text:
shows us what an organisation with that motto might look like.mcmullinwerseemse.blogspot.com
Source: https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Funny/SCPFoundationJokeSCPEntries
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